I went to lifeline because I was in my senior year in high school and I was only smoking marijuana. I was in a Mormon family and that was a big now. The trauma really started in the beginning when my parents took me to A counseling appointment to meet with a therapist they both went in the room with her alone. Then I went in, she told me they were thinking about sending me to a treatment center and that we could work out my “issues” together. Suddenly the door swung open and two huge Polynesians picked me up handcuffed me and took me to lifeline. Once I got to lifeline the first thing they had me do was go alone with someone probably 22 years old strip down naked and take a shower while they were standing there. They said it was in case I smelled like anything I wouldn’t trigger it anyone else. From there I had to spend the first week of my time there was someone’s hand on my shoulder at all times and I couldn’t talk. I can’t even look around. I couldn’t even look at any of the girl clients without getting in trouble or confronted about it. Two times a week we would have these confrontations where you could call out another client for something you saw them doing wrong. I couldn’t talk with my family for the first 14 days and it was killing me inside. I couldn’t even see them. The amount of shame that I was feeling was unprecedented and something I’ve never experienced. Something the therapist you and I know this because I actually went back to work for a lifeline to try and give some hope to the boys and be a friend to them. They tell the parents that your kid is going to do anything to manipulate you out of the treatment center and not to believe anything they say. So when I told them what was going on and they didn’t believe me. It was brutal. We slept in these little rooms for six clients each. We rarely got outside. Once or twice a week. Remember having to work out to Richard Simmons. If I didn’t want to I got in trouble and I couldn’t fees up and leave the program so I was forced to follow all the rules and obey. They told me I was an attic and then I suffered with addiction because of my traumatic experiences that I had gone through in my youth. I had a disease and a problem and I started to believe them. I started to read Alcoholics Anonymous like I was an addict and I needed help. This ingrain the belief that there was something wrong with me even more. Growing up in the Mormon church I was constantly faced with guilt and shame. Thinking I was bad for masturbating or smoking weed. Having to pray to God to ask for forgiveness so I could bless the sacrament the next day. Having to go and sit in front of my bishop and confess so I could be worthy again. It just made me feel even more worthless. Like I had no hope. I started to progress fast through the program I got all the way up to fourth phase in four months and I could start going home. I could even bring another client back to my house to spend the night with me. One time we were in my room at night and I told him I used to hide my weed up in my ceiling when I reached up I was surprised to find a pipe with a full bowl of weed in it. We both went into the bathroom and smoked it. It was the funnest night we Would ever have together. Well the next day he thought it would be a good idea to tell the other boys. We were sitting in group right before our families were going to come and I remember Dan Scholtz the clinical director pushing the dividing screen open so hard and yelling Keaton stand up! I had to stand up in front of all the group and tell everyone what had happened. I was completely shamed. Instead of nurturing me and having compassion I was set back all the way to the beginning of the program and had to start again. At this point my mom started to catch on and realize what was happening so eventually she pulled me a week before my 18th birthday. Another thing I felt completely inappropriate while I was there I would masturbate at night from time to time. It was one thing I could do to get away from it all. One day in group one of the boys confronted me for it and I was so embarrassed that I said I didn’t do it. I was held back until I got honest for masturbating. I couldn’t just get honest to my clinician I had to do it in front of the group. It is not the way to help people heal.I am completely disgusted with the program there. I sense went back to work there and couldn’t even handle it. Something has to be done soon
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