an open view

My time at lifeline was, a shift in my life. I speak from my own experience and observation. My background with spiritually: I learned a bit when I was young through my brother and had an inner knowing since then. I believe the experience I had at lifeline was meant to happen and although traumatic and heartbreaking, it was a pivotal moment in my life and I’m glad to be able to share. I am 17 years old and a senior in high school,2022.I have had substance issues and have developed bpd up to that point. I willingly suggested a treatment program to my mom and she found lifeline. I got there and instantly was greeted with 2 college aged girls, they took me in by the arm.I sat in a room for maybe an hour taking surveys and signing documents.I noticed the staff had pulled up a parent document and signed on the line where my moms signature should have been. I was always super aware and at this point I was very open and very fearful.The first day I was introduced to all the kids, they all seemed very well organized, and was introduced to Lucy. Lucy is was a current client and became my roommate for the first week. Lucy was very invasive and was allowed to bend the rules of when they got to go to bed. This applied for anyone who was on the higher levels of the program.the staff could move kids up and down on their discretion.In my room I got a thin blanket and it was probably 30 degrees for the first 5 days, mind you this is the middle of may.I was VERY anxious and shaking constantly, crying and begging to call my mom. I wasn’t even sure if It was the withdrawals at that point because of all the medications they put me on. They gave me putty and a notebook, and those very the only things I did to entertain myself while “”attending groups”” which was really just movie time. On the 3rd day Lucy stole my putty and notebook and I never saw them again. we had to keep all our belongings outside our room at night and I never saw my notebook or putty with Lucy after that so I was sure the staff just took it. I wasn’t very talkative but I started talking to Lucy at night and I really felt were she was coming from, She had such careless matter(almost drunk-like) that it made me worry about what the staff were giving her.( I am not using correct pronouns to reach maximum audience) she told me about her family and how she was in the program for 120 days, her mom, a plastic surgeon who is very close with the owners of lifeline. Around day 5 staff were acting crazy and it felt like a slight delusion because of how much they really did. The absolute gaslighting and realness of what I’m saying is true. I was completely at the hand of fear and I felt my inner child fighting. I even went as far to ask if I could talk to the main director to discuss my treatment and how it wasn’t working and that I wasn’t getting the proper therapy or care. She sat there, emotionless, with no empathy in her eyes. They brief parents on kids manipulating and saying anything to get out and I was trying to rehearse how I would even get the words out to my mom in the 10 minutes I was aloud in the week. I felt paralyzed in my thoughts and actions, taking meds and waking up again, feeling like it had been the same day all along. I went to a few groups that just didn’t feel right, one actual group I went to my friend pine caught sight of my teary eyes and frustrated distraught look. Others were going around sharing and I sat there and didn’t say a thing. Pine had written a paragraph on her arm and i couldn’t even make out what it said because the handwriting was so… frantic . She started crying and had to be taken out of the room. They ask each person when they get in to list their triggers if they have any, they put them on a big white board . They directly targeted all of these triggers and more. (Slamming doors, yelling, I’ll get more into it later.) me and many other girls were heavily medicated and I’m not even sure what they were giving us. In the middle of the night I woke up and I remember walking to the bathroom, the whole place was spinning like a disco ball. it felt like a fever dream each day. I wasn’t able to talk to a therapist till the forth day and at this point I was so terrified of everyone and everything I had a full breakdown and they gave me even more meds, then I was taking 6 “anxiety meds” during the day and 3 random pills at night. They also suggested the pills my mom sent over. I was fighting for my soul, I couldn’t let myself be under control if people that do not care about me and scream at kids trying to get help with mental health. My heart dropped when new girls came in and it was their first day, not knowing wether it was even a possibility to have their parents or anyone get them out. When the 10 minutes happened I went into lockdown and was in complete shreds of a person, my spirit was shattered and broken.I had my legs wrapped around my mother for my life and my older brother thankfully came which I was hoping for since he’s experience some sort of rehab and has a very aware conscienceness. I was able to get out and when I did I was constantly looking over my shoulder and in fear people were going to come get me to take me back. AND when I reached outside…( we didn’t get to go outside, I probably went out and hour and a half the entire time I spent there) I felt free and I felt like I just been reborn. I support others that have been to lifeline and or similar places and empathize with people who feel the rage towards lifeline.

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